Did Somebody Call for a Fireman??

I'm so proud of my li'l brother Ben!  He has passed all required tests and deemed fit to control large red firetrucks, ride down poles and handle large hoses. . . .alright people. . .I'm talkin' about firefighting here!  He is now EMT certified and currently looking for a city that can handle his dashing good looks and dazzling smile. . .oh and mad firefighting skills!  My sister-in-law threw a fun party to celebrate!  Here's a cute cake that she made for the event!

I was in charge of the popcorn table.  Yummy jello popcorn!

So proud of my little brother!

Yup that's him!  This is what happens when I leave my camera lying about!

My bestest friends!

Good job buddy!

She's Beautiful. . . That's For Sure!!

My baby turned 4 this year!! We went and got her pics taken and she was a ROCKSTAR!! Posing so cute for every one of them!

Dirty South Part III

Part III is my final post about my trip to Georgia in January.  One of the last trips that we took while in the South, was to Tennessee. . . Chattanooga to be exact.  We got to walk across the Tennessee River and go into some different shops and we went to Rock City Gardens.  We had a blast laughing and seeing the sights!

 All my besties, posing at Rock City.  I love these girls!  Just so ya'll know, it was very humid and rainy that day, so my hair got a teeny bit "boofont!" 

 One of my favorite places that we went in Tennessee was "Good Dog".  They have THE best hot dogs!  The owner was so nice, she reminded me of Rachel Ray!  We also had a good laugh when she was telling us about her buns. . . hot dog buns of course!  Here is Megan getting every last bit of goodness from her red velvet cup cake!

My favorite picture from my trip.  I got up early on our last day and the rain had cleared up from the night before.  The sun was gleaming through the trees and glistening off all the rain drops on the leaves.  The birds were singing and it smelled amazing!  It was very symbollic of the next phase of my life.  What a fun trip!  I learned so much about myself. . . like the fact that I have panic attacks on airplanes! But other stuff too :).  I love my friend, Jenn's family so much and we had so much fun getting to know all the kids!  Definately the best food I've ever had!

Dirty South Part II

I realize this trip took place in January and it is now March, but at least I'm gettin' her done!

Here is part II of my fun and fantastic trip to the South.

After our time in Savannah, we headed up the coast just a bit to South Carolina ya'll! We wanted to dip our toes in the ocean. We stopped off in Hilton Head, SC. It was dark, and the water was pretty cold, but well worth it! The sound of the ocean always amazes me. We collected some shells, played for a bit and then headed back to the ATL.

I thought I'd reinact Johnny Lingo! I'm surprised I didn't pull a muscle gettin' myself up in that there tree.

It was pretty late when we left the coast, but the drive back was so fun! I love my Jenns! (my sis & my friend) We just talked and laughed, it was the best!

One of the days, we drove into the big city of Atlanta and went to the Coca Cola museum. That was so fun! Here are a couple of pics from that:

Downtown.

Waiting for our 4D movie to start.

I still have one more part to this trip that I will post later. I loved just being with my friends and my friend's family. Her kiddos are adorable and kept us laughing! Her dogs were so sweet and made me want to own a dog or take hers home :)

Sadly, this week, one of her dogs passed away :(. Irish was seriously the sweetest pup I'd ever met! She was my buddy while I was there. She'd come down and sleep right next to the couch where I was and let me pet her in the morning when I'd wake up. She'd be layin' there just snoring away! When we were getting ready to leave, she stayed right by me and comforted me when I hid to cry. Here's a pic of her sweet Irish that I took. I hope that she's up there keeping my dad company for a bit.

Forgiveness. . .do I have to?

This week has been one of those weeks where my head starts filling with so many different thoughts and I start having these epiphanies and think "oooo I need to write that down!" or "why the heck didn't I think of that before?" So here I am . . . awake at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning and needing to get it all out just so that I can get it straight in my head. This has been one of those really tough weeks for me. My birthday is just around the corner and I'm dreading it. I know that it's "just a day" like any other old day (literally :) ), but for me, it feels like this big life marker each year of where I'm at in my life and where I want to be and where I wish I was. This year, I'm not where I wish I was (if that makes any sense!). I never imagined that my dad would be gone this year, or that I would still not have any other children, or that I'd be filled with so much sadness from the loss of my dad. Don't get me wrong, I am amazed with what I do have! I know that my Heavenly Father has carried me through so much in my life, but I'm just at a point where I struggle big time with questioning Him and this very difficult task that has been laid before me.
This week I went to my 12 step recovery meeting. After my dad passed away, I wondered if I should still go to those meetings. I felt a bit silly being there when my addict is no longer on this earth. But it was made very clear as I went this week, that I am supposed to be there! Whether it's for myself or someone else, I do not know, but the Spirit told me very strongly that I needed to be there. My sisters were both sick this week and I had to stand on my own two feet and go all by myself. As I headed there, I actually thought for a minute "do I know how to get there?" I know that sounds silly, it's not very far from my house, but I figured out why I had thought that. Usually when my sisters and I go, we stop by the cemetery and see my dad for a bit. But I was running a little late this time and just had to go straight there. I thought back to when we first started going to this meeting and we'd go the way that I had to go that night. Now, we go to the cemetery on our way and that made me so sad!
I was amazed when I got to the meeting and the step we were on was "forgiveness". I struggle with that step because the person that I need to forgive and that I need to ask forgiveness from the most isn't here anymore. . . I didn't get a chance to do that before he left. What a powerful word though. . . forgiveness. . . how do I use it? How do I let it's magic into my life and allow it to work? There was a really amazing quote in the manual that I wanted to share:
Elder Neal A. Maxwell said:
"We cannot repent for someone else. But we can forgive someone else, refusing to hold hostage those whom the Lord seeks to set free!"
As I read and reread that quote that word "free" stands out to me. Oh how would it be to be free from this immense sadness and sorrow! How would it be to be free from this immense guilt and pain? I thought a lot about how scared I am to forgive my dad and to forgive myself. I'm scared to let it go because I'm afraid that I'll be letting him go. I've been so angry with him for so many years and I'm not sure I'd know what to do with myself if I let the pain go? Who would I be without it? (I know you're thinking . . . happier duh!!) but why is that so difficult, yet so obvious?
Then we got to a part in the manual about asking for forgiveness from the Lord and as I read the paragraph that followed, it fit me to a "T"!! As I said before, I have questioned Him so many times about why I've been dealt these cards? Why did I get picked for all of this? And in doing so, I've stopped trusting Him. Then I read this amazing quote:

As we have struggled with crushed expectations and tremendous disappointments in our lives, we may have withdrawn from the Lord, even while going through the outward motions of Church activity. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland reassured that when trials come "We must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. . . .When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry, 'Where art Thou?' it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us - where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us."

So I went away from my meeting this week knowing that the only way I can move forward is if I set my dad free! I'm so scared to do that! But I know that he needs me to do that just as much as I need to do that! I also realized that while my addict is no longer in my life, the remnants of his addiction are still everywhere and I still need help and support in order to change some of my unhealthy behaviors.

I still don't want to celebrate my birthday. I still wish that I could just postpone my 32nd celebration for another year. But it seems to be happening whether I admit it or not :). I will just have to work really hard to make my next birthday celebration be one that I'm proud of!!

The Dirty South Ya'll!

Finally! A post about our fun trip! This is part 1 because we have so many pics to show! My sis Jenn and I decided back in November that we were gonna be all cRaZY and plan a random trip to Hotlanta to visit one of our really good friends that lives there with her family. So we found some amazing airfair and booked our trip! I was a bit nervous to leave Miss Pretty and the hubby for that long and I was super nervous to fly! I'm a wanny pants! You think I don't know this? I'm just not a good flyer! Well the middle of January finally arrived and we packed our 50 lb suitcase and lots of snacks and distractions for the plane ride and momma Lloyd dropped us off at the airport! The flights there, weren't too bad. We watched movies and read magazines and it felt like they went pretty quick. We got to Atlanta and got settled in at our friend Jenn's casa. What a beautiful home! I loved the scenery:

This was a pic of her front yard! I loved it there! So pretty!

Part 1 of my Georgia posts is about our trip to Savannah! I've always wanted to go to Savannah. All the pictures that I see are so beautiful and the rich history is just amazing! The trip was about a 5 hour car ride. It was fun enjoying the scenery, chatting about everything and anything and of course snoozing away. Our hotel in Savannah was beautiful and right on the Savannah River riverfront. We walked everywhere while we were there and if it weren't for all the yummy southern restaurants we ate at, I might have lost a little weight :). (soooooo worth it though!)

No trip to Savannah is complete without a stop at "Lady & Sons". Paula Deen's restaurant was everything I dreamed it would be! So good!

The historic district of Savannah had some amazing old mansions. There were also squares every couple of blocks.

The view from our balcony at the hotel. There were big barges that went down the river, tug boats and even dolphins! My first dolphin sighting!

One of the famous squares in Savannah was where Forrest Gump sits on a bench waiting for the bus. I'm Forrest :)

We also went on a couple of ghost tours while we were there. Pretty spooky! Here's the cemetery.

Our most memorable experience was the ghost tour of the Sorrel-Weed house. Very creepy!

I loved it there! The weather was a nice 68-70 degrees. The people were so nice and the shopping was lots of fun! It was a blast hanging out with two of my besties and giggling together! I needed it! Stay tuned for part 2!

Molasses

I keep thinking i'm gonna get on here and blog about this and blog about that, but I never get around to it. But today, I thought I needed to probably get some of this out there and feel like I was able use this as therapy once again!

Have you ever tried to swim in molasses? I hadn't . . . .until about 5 months ago, when I feel like I was thrown into a pool of it and told to just keep paddling. BTW, I don't know how to swim. Don't ask about the Flaming Gorge experience. . .
I can't seem to figure out how to get myself out of it either! Just when I think I'm gaining ground and about to find my way out of this sticky mess that has become my world, I get pulled down once again.
Most days, I feel like I'm able to get through things and "be normal" and then the thought hits me, like I was finding out for the first time all over again: "my dad is gone." It feels like it was so long ago already and I miss him terribly! I miss his excellent cooking and every time he'd "doctor something up" to make it "his"! I miss his teasing and blaming his farts on someone that wasn't even in the room! I miss his phone calls to just tell me that he loved me!
Last week my mom and grandma moved in with us. For some reason I was very angry with my dad before they moved in. I LOVE them dearly and I have loved having them with us and Miss Pretty has loved it too! But I was just so ticked off that my dad had left and wasn't here to take care of them like he should be!!
And. . . when it rains it pours, our sweet, bestest EVER, babysitter let us know this morning that she wouldn't be babysitting anymore :(.
Just keep pouring that molasses on. . . !! I mean I love gingersnaps and all, but I'm a bit overwhelmed!
I just keep thinking "try to find the positive", "quit asking 'why' and start asking 'what can I learn from this?'". . . . but i'm just so tired. . . .
Don't get me wrong, there have been some very positive things happen in the last 5 months as well! Miss Pretty has been so sweet with my Grandma! She goes up to her room everyday and just chats away with her. I have loved that.
My sis and I got to go on a super fun trip to GA to visit our bestie! (I promise I will post pics later) It was SO much fun! I could have done without the plane ride, but hey, what can ya do! I was able to visit 3 states that I've never been to before and I got to dip my toes in the cold waters of the Atlantic ocean. If only I could bottle up that sound. . . .
So I do have so much to be greatful for, it just seems like I need someone to throw me a life vest so that I can stay above all this muck!