Corky's Lament

It's hard to believe that it's already been a month ago today that my dad passed away. This month has literally been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and experiences! I miss him so much and I think about him all day. Today was my first Sunday back to church and I was dreading it. I know that sounds bad huh. I thought a lot about why I was heavy-footed about going back today. I guess it's because I knew that i'd be so vulnerable to the Spirit and that scared me. Also, I have some anger toward my Father in Heaven. Logically, I know that this was something He had prepared me for and that He would never leave me comfortless during this difficult time. But I also question Him everyday about why? Why was our family chosen for this? Why couldn't He help my dad to overcome this more? Why couldn't my dad kick this? Just a lot of why's. . . .

So we went. . . it was an amazing Sabbath and I felt the Spirit very strong. The Sunday School lesson brought me to tears and that carried into Relief Society where I have a complete break down and couldn't make it stop. In the middle of the awesome lesson, I felt my dad near me so strongly. It was the first time that I had felt him near like that since he died. It didn't last nearly long enough though and I just kept thinking "don't go dad! Stay close!"

You know, you always hear about those people that have these really cool experiences after they lose a loved one. They have a dream about them, or they see them somewhere. So each night I go to sleep and think "tonight is the night that he's going to come and visit me and tell me that he is alright and that we're going to be alright." Still haven't had that dream. Perhaps he's visiting others still or perhaps he's not ready. I don't know.

I just miss him.

Sorry to ramble, just have a lot on my mind tonight as I think back over things. There's so much that I'm still trying to figure out! Miss Pretty randomly asks questions about Grandpa and that's still hard to think of what answers to give her.

I had a great friend take some amazing pictures for us of the viewing and the funeral. Here are some of them that touched my heart and show the true beauty of that day!

Check her out on her blog: Kristi Martin Photography

Aren't they gorgeous?! She did such a great job!

There are times that it still doesn't seem real. My sisters and I go to his grave every week before we go to our 12 step recovery meeting. That still seems foreign to me to be going to see "my dad's grave". Just doesn't seem like it's something that I should be doing or ever would be doing. I know that he fought some hard battles in his life. And I know that toward the end of his life Satan worked overtime on him. But I guess I thought we'd end up with a different outcome. I guess I thought that we had done a pretty darn good job at fighting back and helping him as hard as we possibly could. I'm sad that it's all so final now. That there is no longer any way to help him get better because he's gone.

Thanks for letting me get some of this out. So many things go through my head all day. I hope that one day, this will be a little bit easier.