Friday, October 28, 2011

Spooky Cookies anyone?

We've had a busy couple of weeks! Just trying to get our lives to fit into this "new norm". Not fun! But we're trying. Last week Miss Pretty's cousins came to play at our house. We made some spooky Halloween cookies. It was hilarious watching them!

I love this pic. Look at Els' face in the background. Miss Pretty was shoving those candy corns in her mouth 10 at a time! Let's just say, we had a toothbrushing party after the cookie making party. :)

Isy is pretending he used the frosting to frost the cookies instead of eating it right off the butter knife. And yes, that's flour in his hair.

By the end of the evening, the sugar high was gone and they were all clocking each other in the head. They were all in time-out and grumpy pants by the time mommy and daddy came to pick them up. But it was fun and that's all that matters.

Last week I got this crazy brained idea one day on my way home from work. I was thinking, like I always do as soon as I get in my car, about my dad. I was thinking about how he loved to take us up to look at the fall leaves in the mountains and about how he loved camping and about how we didn't go camping at all this year! So I thought "why not go up today and at least roast hot dogs and have a fire?" So I rallied the troops (aka: my siblings and kiddos) and we headed up Big Cottonwood Canyon and found us a spot (that may or may not have said "closed for the winter"). It was a blast! The hot dogs were delish!

It was beautiful up there and I really felt a closeness to my dad up there. He loved taking all of us kids up there to have breakfast or to camp out for a night. Those were definately some of my best memories of him!

This week has been a rough one for me. I don't really have a reason, just that I'm bitter and playing the victim! We went to a new support group on Wednesday and it was just so sad for me. I just kept thinking "How did this become my life? I'm at a support group for suicide survivors and I still can't believe that I'm here." I know that probly sounds funny, but most of the time it's still very surreal.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

From the Mouths of Babes

Still numb. . . .but life seems to be moving on with or without me. It's still hard for me at family functions and gatherings, to not see him there. And my mind keeps going back through things (even though I know it's pointless) to see what I could have done differently. I know that I couldn't have done anything else to get him sober and I know that I couldn't have taken away his pain or his agency. But I know that I could have told him that I loved him more and I know that I could have been better about having Miss Pretty spend time with her Papa. It's hard to want to move on.

Anywho. . . our kiddos have kept us entertained! :)

Miss Pretty and her cousin Els seem to be getting along a little better lately! We were over at my sister's house one night and got this cute pic moment.

All tuckered out from playing!

Miss Pretty is in preschool now. We just switched her to a new one because the other one wasn't quite working out. She loves her new class though and is learning so much! She says the funniest things all the time and keeps us on our toes. Here's some funny pics of her baby that lost a leg the other night. Luckily Gma sewed it back on.

Everything else seems to be scooting along. D is on a new, regular work schedule which is nice for our little family! The first time in 5 years that we're both home at night and are able to go to church together. We celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary this year! Can't believe it's been that long already!

At church on Sunday, I got to help in nursery. Those kids were hilarious and I totally needed the uplifting spirit that they have!! The teacher was teaching about the Prophet's counsel and one of the things that He teaches us is to eat healthy. I said "like broccoli." One of the cute little boys got this disturbed look on his face and a few minutes later, looked at me and whispered "But I hate broccoli!" One of the little girls kept her dress lifted up to her face all through the lesson, showcasing her Minnie Mouse diaper. They kept me laughing the entire time!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Corky's Lament

It's hard to believe that it's already been a month ago today that my dad passed away. This month has literally been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and experiences! I miss him so much and I think about him all day. Today was my first Sunday back to church and I was dreading it. I know that sounds bad huh. I thought a lot about why I was heavy-footed about going back today. I guess it's because I knew that i'd be so vulnerable to the Spirit and that scared me. Also, I have some anger toward my Father in Heaven. Logically, I know that this was something He had prepared me for and that He would never leave me comfortless during this difficult time. But I also question Him everyday about why? Why was our family chosen for this? Why couldn't He help my dad to overcome this more? Why couldn't my dad kick this? Just a lot of why's. . . .

So we went. . . it was an amazing Sabbath and I felt the Spirit very strong. The Sunday School lesson brought me to tears and that carried into Relief Society where I have a complete break down and couldn't make it stop. In the middle of the awesome lesson, I felt my dad near me so strongly. It was the first time that I had felt him near like that since he died. It didn't last nearly long enough though and I just kept thinking "don't go dad! Stay close!"

You know, you always hear about those people that have these really cool experiences after they lose a loved one. They have a dream about them, or they see them somewhere. So each night I go to sleep and think "tonight is the night that he's going to come and visit me and tell me that he is alright and that we're going to be alright." Still haven't had that dream. Perhaps he's visiting others still or perhaps he's not ready. I don't know.

I just miss him.

Sorry to ramble, just have a lot on my mind tonight as I think back over things. There's so much that I'm still trying to figure out! Miss Pretty randomly asks questions about Grandpa and that's still hard to think of what answers to give her.

I had a great friend take some amazing pictures for us of the viewing and the funeral. Here are some of them that touched my heart and show the true beauty of that day!

Check her out on her blog: Kristi Martin Photography

Aren't they gorgeous?! She did such a great job!

There are times that it still doesn't seem real. My sisters and I go to his grave every week before we go to our 12 step recovery meeting. That still seems foreign to me to be going to see "my dad's grave". Just doesn't seem like it's something that I should be doing or ever would be doing. I know that he fought some hard battles in his life. And I know that toward the end of his life Satan worked overtime on him. But I guess I thought we'd end up with a different outcome. I guess I thought that we had done a pretty darn good job at fighting back and helping him as hard as we possibly could. I'm sad that it's all so final now. That there is no longer any way to help him get better because he's gone.

Thanks for letting me get some of this out. So many things go through my head all day. I hope that one day, this will be a little bit easier.