To those that still read my blog: I'm sorry you have to hear me vent so much, but this is truly therapy to me and it helps me to write things out and make sense (or try to) of it in my head!
With that out of the way. . . . D and I got a new calling at church. I saw that coming a mile away! :) Nursery! When they first called us in, I knew what it was and I was preparing myself to say "NO" even though I knew you're not supposed to say no and i've never said no before! But I just didn't feel ready. I felt like I was still reeling from everything that's happened. But once again, I was given one of the swift uppercuts by the Spirit (I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father has figured out that "nudges" don't work with me anymore!). I'm pleasantly surprised at how much I LOVE it in there! I miss the "grown ups" classes, but I truly feel that this is where we were meant to be right now. Back to the basics :). It's very refreshing!
I thought that by now things would feel a little better. Like i'd feel a bit more healed. WRONG!! I've found that grief has many layers and many stages. One day I'll think to myself "wow! I'm doing so good! Haven't cried today. I can do this!" Then the next, I'm a complete, blubbering mess of tears and snot. . . it just ain't pretty! A dear friend of mine recently lost one of her siblings and my heart ached when I heard the news. I was brought right back to that first day of finding out my dad was gone. My sister and I went to the viewing and I cried just thinking about going. What a devasating thing to deal with while we're here on earth. It's difficult approaching all the "firsts" without my dad. The first family birthday parties for the grandkids. The first Thanksgiving. The first Christmas. Etc. We've celebrated 3 birthdays for the grandkids without him already and each one, I'd look around thinking that something was missing. HIM! On Sunday, my cute little nephew celebrated his 4th birthday and it was such a great party filled with good food, laughter and fun. I guarantee my dad would have been hovering around the snack bar eating plenty of sammies and potato chips and definately olives! It's just so hard to believe that he's gone. That I'm not able to just call him up and tell him how much I love him! That we will be spending this Thanksgiving with a huge void left in our hearts. As we talked about Turkey Day this year, we decided that we'd do something we've never done before. So. . . . we're heading to the Little America. We are gettin' all gussied up and we're gonna stuff ourselves! Thanksgiving was one of my Dad's favorite holidays. He loved all the yummy food and he loved cooking it all.
I feel like there's this odd shaped hole and there's nothing quite the right size to fill it. I used to feel like he was really close right after he died, but now I don't as much. We joke around that he's probly in this eternal rehab and his sponsor is Michael Jackson. I'm sure he's really busy, but I still need him. We are going to finish cleaning out the house this week and i'm dreading it. It's so hard to be there at the house and to think of all the memories that we have there and to see it empty now.
Alright, I better stop. I can assure you that one day I'll be able to write about hope. One day my posts will be filled with happy things again, like puppies and candycanes! Those days have to come right? Until then, bear with me as I weep through my words. I pray for that hope to come. I seek it as much as I can.
